journal-2

I wonder if the smoke alarm up there in the corner actually works. The worrying never stops. We test our own boundaries. I am fragile underneath this thin layer of cold. A fire burns for... well... it always gets through. Alarms go off. Smoke curls.

What's a prayer's answer outside of coincidental luck? What peace lasts beyond a handshake? I've seen the afterchurch hypocrisy. And I doubt. I struggle to forgive. I have moments of jealousy and vindictiveness. I feel rage. 

Loving someone hard and real doesn't mean that they'll love you back. Play the odds. Seek out honesty. It still hurts sometimes. To lose. But the winning comes eventually. Hold the one that reciprocates. Let the rest go. Their wings were already flapping anyway. I have regrets. They hang from my porch like wind chimes. Fucking annoying, their pretty off-beat clanging.

I hear sex in the distance. Its not mine. I'm right here, stuck in these footprints. I've come to accept the sounds of others. Nature varies. I've tried placing soundproof material between my skull and the dura mater. Its not effective. Sounds travel. Thoughts are non-transient. I sit with them. They're quiet in the morning. We sip coffee together and slowly adjust to the day. By night we're at each other's throat. I stay away from mirrors. Especially after dark. I can see them then. Sometimes they smile.

The beach is so peaceful at night. Two feet splashing through the shallows. One by one they sink in the sand and lift out. It is my will that they do this. Being naked in the night ocean is both terrifying and freeing. I haven't decided which one of these feelings I enjoy more. I know I'm a little more alive in each. Walking out of the water naked into the night air is similar. I feel more exposed and seen. There is comfort in the total body hug of water. Safety. Protection. The night air offers none of these. 

I followed starlight once. I walked right off of this earth. I can't remember when the walking stopped and flight took over. It was a seamless transition. I left my body. I didn't miss it. (Leave ugly food for ugly creatures.) I felt beautiful for a moment. Beauty was light and airy. No taste. No smell. No sound. I wanted to stay. I almost didn't come back. 

(Image from mirrorsinner.tumblr.com)